‘Away in a manger, no crib for a bed, the little Lord Jesus lay down his sweet head.’
As a new-ish mother, I’ve been pondering the traditional Christmas nativity story in a whole new way this year. Leave aside for one moment the question of whether or not there was a real historical person called Jesus, or whether the familiar nativity story is not supported by what is actually in the Bible.
So the tale goes, Mary, nine months’ pregnant and nearly due, and her husband Joseph travelled to Bethlehem from their home in Nazareth to take part in the census (which, incidentally, makes you appreciate the fact that modern-day census forms can be filled out in the comfort of your own home). Unable to walk because she was the size of the house, Mary rides a donkey the seventy or so miles to Bethlehem. Poor Mary (uncomfortably bumping along on a donkey, with swollen ankles and heartburn for good measure)! Poor Joseph (walking seventy miles in the bleak midwinter)! Poor donkey (stoically carrying a very pregnant passenger)!
When they eventually arrive in Bethlehem - and how long did it take to get there, I'd like to know - there is no space available in any of the local inns for them to stay. So much for the great planning of the Roman Empire. You’d think if they were making people travel to fill in their census, they could’ve made appropriate accommodation arrangements. I hope LOCOG - the London Organising Committee for the Olympic and Paralympic Games 2012 - is doing better. However, one innkeeper, keen to maximise his profits by renting out any old nook and cranny, lets them sleep in the stable out the back.
And here’s where all the Christmas carols start skating over the business end of this business trip. Look at these examples:
Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon Virgin Mother and Child
Holy Infant so tender and mild
(Silent Night)
And then they found a little nook in a stable all forlorn,
and in a manger cold and dark, Mary's little boy was born
(Mary’s Boy Child)
Once in royal Davids city,
Stood a lowly cattle shed,
Where a mother laid her Baby,
In a manger for His bed:
Mary was that mother mild,
Jesus Christ, her little Child.
(Once in Royal David’s City)
In Bethlehem, in Israel,
This blessed Babe was born
And laid within a manger
Upon this blessed morn
The which His Mother Mary
Did nothing take in scorn
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy
(God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)
Obviously, the focus of the carols is on the miraculous birth and what it means for humanity: the arrival of a saviour who will redeem us from sin. But what might Jesus’ actual arrival on earth have been like?
Mary: What do you mean, we’re out in the stable?
Mary: You must be kidding! I know I said I wanted a home birth, but this is ridiculous. And how will the midwife know where to find us?
Joseph: Well, there seems to be some gobsmackingly huge star right above us, so she should have no trouble - we’re lit up like Christmas Tree!
Mary: A Christmas tree - what’s that?
Joseph: Never mind. Can I get you anything?
Mary, doubling over in pain, then breathing hard: Oooooh!
Joseph: What was that? Were you having a rush?
Mary: No, I was having a contraction! Stop calling them rushes, this isn’t the story of Moses’ birth, you know!
Joseph: Okay, okay. Here, lie back on this straw. It doesn’t smell too bad.
Mary: I don’t want to lie down, I want to crawl. Oooh!
Joseph: Okay, do that then.
Mary: The cow is looking at me funny.
Joseph: I’m sure you’re imagining it.
Mary: No really. The cow is giving me a weird look. She has to go. Ooooh!
Joseph: Here, have some pine-cones to squeeze.
Mary, giving him a murderous glance: I know what I’d like to squeeze. Ooooh! Ouch, what are you doing?
Joseph: Acupressure. I’m pressing down in the small of your back to relieve the pain.
Mary: Urgh, you’ve got the wrong place, that’s my spinal cord. Move down a little bit. Ooooh! That’s better.
Joseph: Would you like some ice-chips?
Mary: Are you kidding? Ooooh! It’s the middle of winter. If you’ve got a hot water bottle, I won’t say no, though.
A large gush of sweet-smelling water flows all over the straw.
Joseph: Oh, I think your waters have just broken!
Mary: Uh, no kidding. Where is that midwife?
Joseph: Um, I think we lost her somewhere back near Jericho.
Mary: What! And you’re only telling me now?
Joseph: I didn’t want to worry you.
Mary: I’m having a baby in the middle of the night in the middle of winter in a stable with no midwife and a cow who keeps looking at me funny, what on earth do I have to worry about?
Joseph: Hey, I’m doing my best here, this kid isn’t even mine.
Mary: I told you before, he’s the son of God.
Joseph: So you say ...
Mary: Ooooh! Let’s not get into all that again.
Several looooong hours later, Mary is squatting on the ground, holding on to the side of the manger. Her sweaty head down, she focusses deeply on pushing the baby out. With each push, she gives a loud groan and then pants heavily. Finally, the baby crowns.
Joseph: I can see the head! Keep pushing!
Mary: Oooh urgh aah aarh uuurgh ooooof!
Joseph: Oh, oh, here it comes! Jesus Christ!
Jesus: Waaah, waah!
Mary: Bbbl ... mmmm
Joseph: What do we do with the cord thing?
Mary: Wmmmmph? Wanted a lotus birth ... leave it alone.
Joseph: What?
Mary: Need to .... birth Placenta.
Joseph: Oh right.
With considerable effort, Mary births the placenta. Joseph puts it aside for a midnight snack.
Joseph: Where are we going to put the baby? Did you pack the swaddling clothes?
Mary: Mmmm...hmmm. Give him here ... need skin to skin first.
Joseph places Jesus on Mary’s breast and he starts to suckle. Joseph starts throwing things around looking for the swaddling clothes. The cattle are lowing. Some men arrive at the stable door.
Joseph: Oh, hello, who are you?
Shepherds: We’re shepherds.
Joseph: I can see that. What are you doing here? My wife’s just given birth and I’m not sure she wants visitors.
Shepherds: But some angels appeared to us and we were led here by the star. We’ve come to worship the baby.
Joseph: O ..... K. Whatever floats your boat.
He calls back into the stable.
Joseph: Um, Mary, we seem to have visitors. They want to worship the baby.
Mary: Well, he is a little treasure, all right. Just let me pop Jesus in the manger and get myself decent.
Or something like that.
Tidings of comfort and joy, indeed.
As N’Sync might say: ‘Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays!’
